so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
