Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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