You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just forgot I was standing up.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
