peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
