she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
