I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
How did I end up in the pool?!
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If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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