i think my tv is drunk
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
