oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
