MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
