Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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