I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
