Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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