i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
