i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
