Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
