I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
