the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
