if you like me you must not know who I am
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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