your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
