do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
