we're chasing vodka with high fives
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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