i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
