I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
