Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
