Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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