upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
