the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
