I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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