why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
