Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
