After last night, I could never be a politician.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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