have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
