I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
