im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
