I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
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I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
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Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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