I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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