I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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