Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
