Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
