Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think my fart just growled at me.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
