12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
