The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
