just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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