Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
