"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
