So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
