I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
