Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
that's an acceptable place to lick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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