a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
