he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
