our cab driver is having phone sex.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
