This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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