I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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