I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
