Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
