chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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