I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
