Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
