Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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