wrigley field is MILF paradise
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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