I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
