Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You are a genius and a whore.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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