I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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