he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
