Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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