the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone