As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"