omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dating After Heartbreak
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts