drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
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and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
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I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.