yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
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Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
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Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.